Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
