We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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