He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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