you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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