I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
