Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
