my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
