she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I am naked and annoyed.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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