I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
