and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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