1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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