Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
