You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
