I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
