why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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