help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
