So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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