i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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