If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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