I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
