i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
