oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
