Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Will exercising make me less horny?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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