Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Man, jail baloney is awful.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
