Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
