Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
