I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
