If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
