i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
