I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
