I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
