I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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