first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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