You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
