you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
there's paper in my vomit.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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