idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
