Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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