i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
