just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
