whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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