When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
