went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
