Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Houston, we have a squirter
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
