I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
