he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
