I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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