My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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