Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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