he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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