Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
